Van-Gogh-Straße

Goodbye!

2010-08-24T15:31:00.001-04:00

So, since blogger is giving my trouble changing my email address to my non-clemson email address, I have moved this blog.

It may now be found here

k bye!

beauty in the breakdown.

2010-08-23T00:16:00.004-04:00

It is amazing what an iCal and a mattress can do for one's sanity.

I've been very overwhelmed the past few weeks, feeling unprepared and unmotivated. Unprepared because I have yet to pack, yet to purchase furniture, yet to figure out car stuff, etc. Unmotivated, because while I'm aching to be out of transition, there is that part of me holding back, wanting to stay in this life chapter, not wanting to move forward.

Saturday was my most restless day, and I reached a breaking point. I went into the basement and assessed all that I need to take with me, talked with my roommate and determined what we would need for the apartment, and completed my FERPA training online (*this is for my assistantship. It is basically the do's and don'ts of dealing with student education records). Then, Saturday evening, I opened up the iCal. I've resisted over the past couple of years despite KB's push for me to use it. I spent a good hour and a half sorting through all the emails my boss/the university have sent me over the past few months regarding different meetings and orientation sessions and put it all on my calendar. What a relief to have it all organized!

While I'm not too concerned heading out west without bedroom furniture, I knew that I needed to have at least a bed when I arrived. Anyone who knows me knows what a cheapo I am when it comes to money, so this was NOT any easy task getting me to lay down the big bucks for a mattress. But, I did it today, and the salesman at Macy's was nice enough to give me the Labor Day sale price a few days early. And will have the bed shipped and arriving in Seattle on the exact day I am fixed to arrive myself. How convenient.

There is still a lot to be done before I feel any sort of settlement (specifically the fact that I have to get there), but these little things have brought peace of mind for now. And of course, I have to remember how blessed I am to have the support of my friends and family right now during what it going to be a crazy transition. I love all of you!

Setting Out.

2010-07-10T00:34:00.002-04:00

I'm ready for my life to get exciting again.

I think I'll start with a week-long trip to Charleston/Clemson tomorrow.

First Attempt.

2010-06-09T14:18:00.005-04:00

This is my first attempt at using Garage Band.

Sorry if I make your ears hurt!

my ten.

2010-06-07T23:41:00.005-04:00

1. Tonight I watched my mom laugh uncontrollably to the point that she was rolling around on my parents' bedroom floor.

2. My two best friends from high school, Cassie and Brianna, were in town for a long week and the three of us were able to spend the most consecutive time we've had together since Summer '07. This included a fun-filled venture to D.C.

3. I got to spend last night in Boarders with Anna, helping her pick out a book for summer reading, sharing with her books from my past, and looking through a book filled with the famous skylines of the United States and the World.

4. I have the support of my friends and family to move to Seattle come August.

5. I found out that I am able to defer my student loans for another two years until I am out of graduate school.

6. I get to start my days with morning coffee with mom.

7. The beautiful scenery that is Middletown that I get to play around in.

8. I've had time to rest and do a lot of reading.

9. My dad had been patient with me and is willing to school me in the ways of adulthood. Both my parents actually are doing such.

10. I am friends with Claire Hammes Loy and God uses her to remind me of the beauty and praiseworthy things he fills my day with.

Dinner at the Russell's.

2010-05-31T11:19:00.005-04:00

Rockfish caught by Dad in the Chesapeake Bay, jumbo shrimp, corn on the cob (favorite summer food), etc. Second truly nice weather day since I've been home. Glad to spend it with family.

Beautiful Things.

2010-05-30T00:19:00.000-04:00

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new

-mgb.

odl lay ee hoo.

2010-05-23T18:31:00.004-04:00

I watched the Sound of Music last night and woke up this morning wanting to learn how to yodel. I've been trying for the last hour. It's hard.

Is that weird?

I guess I can answer that one myself...

homestay.

2010-05-23T00:31:00.003-04:00

I need a place to live next year. I've come to accept that fact that rent in Seattle will be significantly higher, and that rent more often than not does not include water, internet, cable, and electricity- I didn't realize how good I actually had it Clemson.

The goal, and people might say this is a long shot goal, is to find a place where I am spending under $700 total each month. I don't think my heart or bank account could handle anything more (and $700 is really pushing it). Shopping Craig's List has been frustrating since pretty much anything I've found, the landlords want some one to start renting immediately. Can't do that just yet.

Sidenote: I'm not sure if this is a popular trend in other cities, but I've noticed that the cheapest apartments in Seattle are basement apartments. Maybe it's me being picky, but I might be depressed if I have to live in a basement. I can't imagine you can get much sun down there (even if they advertise it so).

Also, the decision of whether or not to have a roommate. It doesn't seem that living in a new city, that is often overcast and rainy, mixes well with being alone in an apartment, but maybe it could be fun? I've never lived alone. Then again, it seems every time I try and spend a few days away from people, I only end up bored and anxious. But maybe living alone will help me fix this? Thoughts would be appreciated.

I'm calling on good house hunters... find me a place to live!

film-o-matic.

2010-05-19T22:35:00.007-04:00

On a slight whim I took a trip down to Annapolis today. I say slight whim because I knew at some point this month I would be meeting up with work-friend Jonathan for lunch when he came up to Annapolis to move his mom/stepdad. However, I didn't know upon waking up this morning that it would be today.

With the weather being so bad over the past few days, I was thrilled for the chance to leave the house for the day. Upon leaving the company of Jonathan I decided to pop on over to my grandma's house. Boy do I love this place. In my 22 years of existence I feel like it is one of the rare places that I can count on to always stay pretty much the same. My grandma fed me rhubarb and strawberry pie, which I was reluctant to try at first. Let's just say I ended up having more than one piece.

After pie, we got to talking about pictures and old home movies, and I remembered my mom saying that my grandma had a voice recording of her when she was little reading the story of Cinderella. This recording was of interest to me, as all of the home movies I've ever seen of my parents have been without sound. I wanted to hear what my mom sounded like at age 3. The question of where this tape was set my grandma and I on a two-hour exploration through countless old media technology. I had no idea my grandma had still kept such things. Behold:

The tape seen directly upon is the aforementioned Cinderella tape. My grandma says she has a new friend at the camera store that can hopefully transfer it over to something that is actually listenable. I'll cross my fingers.

I feel like a lot of my friends have been passed on antique jewelry and such from their grandmas, which I myself have never really received. I guess in not receiving such things, I had come to foolishly believe that my grandmother was not the keeper of antinque treasures? However, after our extended search today, I realized that we only touched the surface of some of the fascinating stuff my grandma still has on her hands. I plan to do more searching as the summer goes on. I'll let you know what I find.

and again.

2010-05-18T17:55:00.003-04:00

And so summer blogging begins.

There just wasn't a lot to update on this past semester. Yes, things went on. There was laughter, smiles, tears. Still, the majority of my time was spent at the office, where let's face it, even though I'm now missing the place/people dearly, there wasn't much worth sharing.

The past five months have been interesting ones. There was a lot of anger and a lot of stress and frustration. Also a lot of sad goodbyes. Still, when I take a step back there was a lot of joy. A lot of happiness. A LOT of learning. Even if it meant overextended work weeks, I don't regret my decision to stay in Clemson after graduation. I'm just sad that it seems as though I met so many great people this past year, and I long to have had more time to spend with them. A friend recently replaced the saying, "That's Life" with "That's Lif." I'll use that same phrase here- That's lif, I guess.

Maryland is unexpectedly cold. Cold and rainy. I guess I should probably be getting used to that though. Back in November I had made a list of everything I had hoped to accomplish in my post-graduate Clemson life. Sadly, a lot of that list did not get done, and as such has been added on to my now summer list. Really, my list is specific, but when it comes down to it I really just want to be outside as much as possible and love on people- those close by and those far away.

And that seems all for now- I guess I need to refresh how to better end these posts.

at the gardens.

2010-05-06T21:35:00.007-04:00

oh how i'll miss the muggy Carolina air

after a rain shower, before a rain shower.

in the early morning when there are few people in sight.

the wind stirs and your face feels slightly sticky.

you hear bird calls and bees buzzing between trees.

oh, how beautiful it is!

i would proclaim is so, but don't want to disturb the peace

my air will be fresh out west,

but oh how i'll miss this.

leaves on the branches bobbing up and down

in rhythm to my creaking swing

back and forth, back and forth

i can smell the green

can almost taste its sweetness

this air is home, has been home.

a bit of blue peers between the clouds

adding a palette of different colors to the scene above my head

below my feet, the brown leaves of winter have given way to the grasses of spring.

the grasses of summer.

and while the Sound and so much grand and natural beauty await me out West,

oh how i'll miss this.

right now this is perfection. this is life-giving. this is my carolina home.

oh how i want to hug you, my carolina home.

unfurnished.

2010-05-01T07:34:00.004-04:00

It is the saddest thing to sell your childhood furniture. And further, that in the end, the money is going towards a plane ticket to a place it can't come with me.

where does the spirit rest?

2010-04-28T00:43:00.005-04:00

"the spirit is the truth" - 1 John 5:6

i say, to you and you and you

joy is very much alive

in that place of isolation

in that place of fear

joy is very much alive

in that place of discontent

in that place of distortion

i say, dwell in honesty

and you will find your joy

you will find your answers.

you will find so much love, you know not what do with it.

be consumed.

and then, let it out.

pour onto others. as it has been poured onto you.

i say, to you and you and you

you each have gifts

you each have passions

see these. trust these. love these.

allow for redemption. allow for goodness. allow for compassion.

release the spirit.

she stood.

2010-04-05T03:05:00.002-04:00

she stood face to face with love today.

When the morning sun hit her face. When the first cup of coffee touched her lips.

she felt the joy and hope that today brings to so many millions of hearts.

she felt clean. Washed and fresh.

All around her the earth was in bloom, the fields yielding to budding trees.

the cherry blossoms. the bradford pears.

In her ear she heard bells. Bells from the hilltop church, ringing forth throughout the valley.

she was among family and among laughter. suddenly, she blinked, finding herself inside the hilltop church- looking upon the eyes of her savior. Knowing it was his day, she smiled. the priest's thunderous voice made her smile. The mother in front of her, singing hymns into the ear of her infant child, made her smile.

another blink, and she found herself on an airplane, alone. She knew little of the place she is headed, but she knows that today she stood face to face with love. And this knowledge, she is certain, is all that really matters.

lesson learning.

2010-03-11T01:20:00.006-05:00

the boldness to go forth and live out your passion.

how unmotivated it would be to not go forth...

contentment.

2010-03-01T00:56:00.001-05:00

a culmination.

2010-02-08T00:13:00.003-05:00

Is this a time of refreshment?

Learning to be content with glimpses, rather than clear images?

Learning to recognize the consistent opportunities that he is granting me to act. to move.

In this early morning there is joy, great joy. Because I am being taken to great places.

Great places because they are purposeful. Because they house community. Because they were faithfully and creatively made.

Quote of the Week

2010-01-26T00:20:00.002-05:00

My 11-year-old sister, the aspiring meteorologist.

On yesterday's tornado warning:

"Okay Kelly, here is the plan. I'm going to get a plane to Atlanta, catch a taxi to the Weather Center, grab Jim Cantore, then, pick up award-winning meteorologist Dr. Greg Forbes, and then drive to Athens where we will save Meghan (other sister) from the tornado!"

O those two.

2010-01-09T12:55:00.007-05:00

I miss these two. I was around Anna's age when they both passed away and as I've gotten older I've had an overwhelming longing to be able to talk with them now- to hear their stories, their views on life, and why they chose to live so simply and give so much to others.

I hate that. When you're young, you have no understanding of the value that comes with spending time with the elderly. They were simply the ones that greeted me at the end of the hallway, as I ran what seemed a great distance to their apartment door. They were the ones that would give me duck food (aka bread) and then laugh as I went onto their balcony and threw whole pieces of bread down at the ducks below- eating more myself than I let fall down.

They were the two who kept an old tin full of cookies above the refrigerator, the two who had a variety of colorful soaps that laid in a basket on the floor of their bathroom. The two who fought like cats and dogs but loved each other dearly. The two who only ever called me Kelly Marie.

She was the one who let me try on all of her old jewelry, who had an antique doll collection, who loved to read, and would always sing Hickory Dickory Dock to me. She was the one who would yell at me to get my feet off of her coffee table, but would laugh a second later when I would fall to the floor and say "I've fallen and I can't get up."

He was the one who would sit me up on the kitchen table and let me pull his suspenders back and snap them back onto his chest, pretending that it hurt so that I would laugh. He was the one who had excellent carpentry skills, who could make train gardens, cupboards, and rocking chairs. He was the one who would make me three-corner hats made out of newspapers and rings made out of dollar bills. He was the one who always wanted salami and cheese as a Christmas stocking stuffer, who you had to yell loudly to so that he could hear you. He was the one who always told me "Don't be afraid because I will always be with you" and to be "a leader not a follower."

These are simple memories, but I hold them dear. As I've grown, I've paid more attention to the stories my father and grandmother have told about them and as I said before, I long to be able to spend time with them today. They were two genuinely unselfish and loving people that I am proud to call my great grandparents.

2009-12-30T00:32:00.002-05:00

"and I don't even know where to start... maybe that's a start."

russian antics.

2009-12-22T10:18:00.001-05:00

shared with me by a friend. passing it on...

"You will ask why did I worry myself with such antics: answer, because it was very dull to sit with one's hands folded, and so one began cutting capers. That is really it. Observe yourselves more carefully, gentlemen, then you will understand that it is so. I invented adventures for myself and made up a life, so as at least to live in some way."

I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow

2009-12-21T12:19:00.004-05:00

We emerged from our hotel to this on Sunday morning.

How can something so beautiful sometimes be so inconvenient and dangerous?

that was easy?

2009-12-11T01:22:00.007-05:00

About a year ago on this blog I quoted a movie I had recently watched in film class.

The quote went something like: "Things take on more meaning when the story ends" "that's because history starts to come in"

Last year, I posted this in reference to my experiences abroad. This year, I post it in reference to the end of my undergrad at Clemson.

I've been so fixated this past week on getting through finals that I've found little time to grasp what these moments mean.

Still, as Friday has finally come...as I officially cannot rid myself of coffee scent, as I've pulled my last all-nighters, and enjoyed the traditional, exam week library camaraderie, all comes to a standstill now. With one more assignment to turn in, I find that I'm asking myself "are you sure you want to turn that one in?" Because choosing to go through with this act does, in fact, signify the end- and for the first time all semester I'm seeing where all of this is taking on meaning.

History. The history that I have built at Clemson. It's coming at me from all directions now and taking on form. I can sense its complexities and I can sense its effects and it's both exciting and scary to be consumed by.

wow.

Because her singing voice is better...

2009-12-04T11:07:00.002-05:00

Just one reason I love the Christmas season- "A Very Rosie Christmas" by Rosie Thomas.

Listen to it. I dare you.

o home o home.

2009-12-01T08:27:00.016-05:00

It's hard to believe that I hadn't been home in four months prior to this past Thanksgiving holiday. And I must say, I didn't know I could be so in love or have such an enjoyable time with family, friends, and the northeast.

I kept emphasizing to my parents how enjoyable my visit was, and their response was that it was because I am older now and I have come to truly appreciate my family. At first I laughed and told them that that is nothing new, that I've always appreciated them, but when I stopped to think about it perhaps they are right- perhaps I now hold a different kind of appreciation for them. Now that the opportunity to come home is less frequent, the times that I do come home have become more valuable. My relationship has changed with my parents as I have grown, because they no longer are my daily caretakers. I enjoy their company as people, not just as my parents (if that makes sense). Experiencing just how much Anna has grown up in four short months established a new dynamic in our relationship, as I felt less as a babysitter and more like a friend. Laughing with Meghan and learning how to respect her for where she is in her life and learning to support her as she continues her journey. And I greatly enjoyed having Corey spend the holiday with us, as it reminded me that friendships also play a valuable role in the community that is family.

I fell in love again with the Northeast this past week (well, technically Maryland is the Mid-Atlantic, but still). I don't know if it was because I hadn't been home in so long or what, but something about it just seemed absolutely perfect. I've always loved the smell of the northeast air, it's less thick and a bit crispier...stings your cheeks a bit more. Spending time in downtown Frederick and Annapolis reminded me how much I love the colonial history of the area, the compactness of old downtown streets. The coffee- not that Java City hasn't sufficiently provided for me throughout the past four years, but seriously, the coffee's better up there. And the people, so many of whom are humorous, outgoing, and family-oriented. I want to live other places at other times, but I think it's safe to say that the Northeast will always be home and I want to return there.

So until Christmas, it's been real MD.

months have turned to weeks.

2009-11-24T23:41:00.007-05:00

Graduation is approaching in t-minus three weeks and I have been drawing up a lengthy to-do list in my mind- experiences that I hope to have when I am no longer bound to the time constraints that come with the world of academia. Granted, I will have a whole new type of time constraint binding me- that of the 9 hour workday, but hey at least I will have no weeknights/weekends with homework. Below is my attempt to get this compiling list out of my head and into written word:

1. Read, A LOT. I completed 2 books this semester and am currently working on a third. I still have two more Irish lit novels I would like to read and then I'm not sure what is next. Any suggestions are welcome.

2. Paint MORE. I'm fortunate to be a part of the DCF Creative Team this year and that has placed art back in my life. Still, I will enjoy the opportunity to spend more time "creating."

3. Make my trip out to Seattle and Portland that I was supposed to take back in October, but could not afford. Current plan is for January. I have to go at some point to visit school so hopefully that point will be soon.

4. Develop my freelancing and photography as side income. I'm locked in with my former Journalism professor to start writing some features for her freelancing company once I graduate, and the whole picturing thing will be on me.

5. Take GRE and complete graduate school applications. Ugh. But important.

6. Take up a steady volunteer position. I was thinking at the Greenville County Art Museum, but I might now be thinking something in a more need-based area. I've come to the realization that I do little next to no volunteering and I'm no longer at ease about that.

7. Visit McClure's used bookstore, which I was recently told is "amazing." How I did not know about this I'm not sure.

8. Continue to write tunes.

...I hope I won't let myself down. It is easy to look to January and see so much time. And while I certainly have the ability to make choices that will, in turn, affect how much time I will have to dedicate to these things, I'm afraid I'm overestimating the freedoms that will come with not being in school. I will still have responsibilities, they will just look different- more financed based. I just don't want to become so absorbed in work that I forget these things of pleasure that I wish to fill my life with. Is that immature of my to say? I'm not sure.

Asheville.

2009-11-15T23:45:00.002-05:00

Convinced Kristin to head to the mountains with me this afternoon. I needed a new study location. So thrilled to have my camera back.

Beauty.

2009-11-12T15:50:00.001-05:00

Right now, there is nothing sweeter than a distinct rainbow over the reflection pool, the bluest of blue skies and fiery orange leaves.

Storytime.

2009-11-09T23:48:00.013-05:00

Tonight I had dinner with Lin, an international student from Singapore. We met back in early September at a cook-out, but I had not seen him since then until I ran into him in the library last week- when we decided to do dinner. I must say, our conversation ranks as one of the best I have had this semester.

I'm not sure if I've met another international student who was more excited about submerging his or herself in American culture than Lin. He continuously spoke about how fortunate he was to have had the opportunity to room with non-Asian students, as he feels it has drastically added to his experiences in America. He has made an effort to interact with his classmates, to dedicate time to schoolwork (he said he preferred the American education system to that in Singapore). He also mentioned how anxious he was to share his story with those around him, as he has realized upon coming to Clemson that he is one of the only outlets people have to his country. This was perfect for me because I know so little of Singapore, and was equally as anxious to learn more.

It was refreshing to hear somebody speak of how much they enjoyed the American lifestyle- a balance of work and leisure, as Lin called it. He talked of how in Singapore, work days are generally from 9am to 9pm, as a person's value is based on how much time they dedicate to their work. He said that life gets rather robotic this way, but that his friends at home can't understand why he would want anything different. For Lin, life is about finding what makes you happiest. It is about having a variety of experiences so that when you look back on your life, you can say you made an impact somewhere, or rather that you have no regrets. This semester, Lin has been volunteering at Helping Hands, where he has had the opportunity to work with underprivileged children. It was inspiring to sense his passion as he talked about this experience, and how much it has touched him to play a role in helping a child build his or her foundation.

We talked about what it means to have a shared cultural identity, and whether or not such an identity will become blurred as we are entering an age where we are increasing our interaction with people from different cultures. Certainly we will walk away from these interactions with some new knowledge that we will then add to our own identity. Therefore, will it be more difficult to identify as "American" or "Singaporean?" For instance, Lin pointed out that before coming to Clemson, he didn't realize just how Americanized his life in Singapore actually was. I asked him if he thought this was a good thing or a bad thing, but he was not sure. He just said that it makes it difficult for him to determine his actual identity- who he is as a person.

I realized tonight that I want to do more of this- to sit down with people I know little of and take the time to listen to their stories. Lin and I both agreed that there is not enough of this in the world- a willingness to share. It is fascinating to me the things you can learn through such an experience. For this reason, I encourage all six or so of you to sit down with somebody that you don't know very well this week- to invest time in sharing stories.

Read.

2009-11-06T11:31:00.002-05:00

Psalm 4.

and breathe.

Musical Berlin.

2009-11-05T12:41:00.004-05:00

On BBC News today I read that a wall has been built around the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin to block out people who don't have tickets to the MTV U2 concert, which will mark the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Many find it ironic that an event meant to commemorate this anniversary is constructing yet another wall...

as do I.

It's a bit humorous though that the article itself doesn't really emphasize this point- mostly just the fact that it is inconvenient for the people of Berlin, many of whom now won't be able to see or hear the concert.

picturing.

2009-11-03T10:04:00.005-05:00

I've been camera-less for a little over a week now- during my favorite time of the year.

It's been hard, but I realized that morning that it has been refreshing all the same.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in taking photographs that I can miss the experience completely...there is only so much that can be seen behind the lens. Sure, I can capture some great moments with the click of the shutter, but if I'm not careful, I lose the moment in it's entirety- particularly the way the moment feels. Sometimes it becomes too much about making sure I get a good photograph, than allowing the moment to move me. Perhaps this is just because I'm an amateur photographer, that I just can't multi-task. Regardless, it's an issue sometimes.

So in these days of beautiful leaves, while I have no device to capture their presence, I have managed to have a new experience in these precious times.

Rhythms for Foliage.

2009-10-29T10:56:00.004-04:00

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that this has been the most beautiful autumn I've experienced at Clemson. While rain has ensued on more than one occasion, the sun-filled days we have been granted have been fresh encounters.

No matter where you are, if you happen to be among fall foliage, I would suggest filling your ears with the following music as you roam streets, study in a coffee shop, or walk along nature paths:

-Sufjan Stevens "The Predatory Wasp from Palisades is out to get us" (an ode to my autumn freshman year...it has done the trick yet again)

-The Swell Season "When Your Mind's Made Up," (version accompanied by violins); "Alone Apart" "Drown Out..." Heck just everything off their first album

-Greg Laswell "High and Low" "Comes and Goes in Waves" "Farewell"

-Rosie Thomas...she's just always good (as long as she is singing and not speaking)

I realize a lot of this music is not very recent, but I assure you it will stir your soul.

Enjoy these beautiful days.

Anticipating The Swell Season

2009-10-26T14:21:00.005-04:00

Oct. 27th

...should be heart-wrenchingly beautiful.

Musical.

2009-10-26T00:30:00.003-04:00

My thoughts are becoming lines.

My fingers are picking at the right strings.

I am finally composing.

Anna Banana.

2009-10-22T10:59:00.006-04:00

Anna and I talked on the phone a couple of days ago. I must say, it was the first time that we have ever talked that I felt more like I was talking to a friend then talking to my 10-year-old sister. I asked her how her day had been and she replied, "You know what Kelly? It just has not been a very good day!" I asked her why and she proceeded to tell me about forgetting her homework for Social Studies, and something else that happened in math class. She also talked about how she had four tests coming up. I asked her how she prepares for tests and she told me that she "takes notes on her notes." It made me laugh because that is exactly how I study...

While it was a simple conversation, I realized that it is becoming easier to relate to Anna- when she tells me she has had a bad day, particularly relating to school, I can empathize with her since I, too, have had those days. Her barbie dolls have long been put away. She watches The Weather Channel now and longs to become a meteorologist...My heart stopped a little bit when I realized that in a few weeks she will be eleven, an age that no longer grants her "child status." As she continues to grow, I am much looking forward to conversations and forming bonds. She really is a trip.

Preserved in Video.

2009-10-07T11:45:00.004-04:00

I don't know who has seen this yet, but this was released yesterday on the New York Times' website...the only video footage of Anne Frank.

Chilling, but captivating all the same.

SPECIAL ALERT!

2009-10-05T15:24:00.005-04:00

This just in-- Central, South Carolina resident and Preiss Company Representative, Kelly Russell, established a NEW post-grad goal early Monday morning.

This is the first change the residents of Clemson have witnessed in two weeks.

"I think we we were all expecting it," said Clemson University student Kristin Beste, "I mean, I was shocked that news of a change hadn't come sooner in the past couple of weeks."

The change features a plan to enter post-graduate school in the Fall 2010, in an attempt to obtain a Master's Degree in Student Affairs. Currently, her focus is on Seattle University's two-year program, with an emphasis in international affairs.

Steps toward this goal are already underway, as Russell was seen e-mailing the Study Abroad office at Clemson University from on-campus Java City. The unidentified source said it looked like she was trying to set up an appointment with her advisors who had obtained similar degrees in the past several years.

"I respect the initial leap," said an anonymous source, "now the community just has to sit back and see whether or not the change will stick this time around."

Russell was unavailable for questioning. However, her publicist commented that she is available for contact via e-mail or phone...though he is weary of her ability to answer her phone.

unknowingly united.

2009-10-04T15:51:00.004-04:00

I took this photo last fall while I was in Berlin. The Church of St. Mary and The Television tower are both located near Alexanderplatz.

At the time, I did not realize the irony that exists in this image. I simply thought it was an interesting angle, one that represented a shift in architecture style- traditional meets modern/post WWII communism.

However, this afternoon I've been working on a speech criticism of Ronald Reagan's "Remarks at the Brandenburg Gate," and came across this section of the text:

"Years ago, before the East Germans began rebuilding their churches, they erected a secular structure: the television tower at Alexander Platz. Virtually ever since, the authorities have been working to correct what they view as the tower's one major flaw: treating the glass sphere at the top with paints and chemicals of every kind. Yet even today when the sun strikes that sphere, that sphere that towers over all Berlin, the light makes the sign of the cross. There in Berlin, like the city itself, symbols of love, symbols of worship, cannot be suppressed."

Interesting today to look back at my photograph and see how despite my attempt to capture a shift in changing times, I was actually capturing an unshakable unity.

10 out of Tenn tour.

2009-09-25T11:44:00.009-04:00

Some members of my house church and I headed up to the Orange Peel in Asheville Tuesday for the 10 out of Tenn tour. Started by musician Trent Dabbs, the show features 10 emerging musicians from Tennessee (mostly from Nashville)- all of which help play one another's songs while on stage. We've talked a lot about the concept of "community" at Paloma and this couldn't have been a more brilliant example of such. Laughter, togetherness, encouragement, and

friendship (all mixed in with incredible talent) beamed from the stage- and by the end of the night I couldn't help but smile myself...wanting in on their fun, but also out love for watching their excitement for one another's music.

And of course, being with my own friends, and enjoying the evening, was equally thrilling.

with k.s. rhoads

alcatraz.

2009-09-18T04:35:00.006-04:00

he didn't just make a creepy movie about killer birds...

he was highly insightful too.

"If you are lucky enough to travel when you're young, everything you see becomes a part of you on which you can draw all through life" - Alfred Hitchcock

It's Botanical.

2009-09-16T23:08:00.005-04:00

Love these gardens, even with their lack of funding.

Save the SCBG!

(seriously, though)

Helpful Hint.

2009-09-16T15:43:00.004-04:00

Heather told me this at work this other day-

When you wash your hands, don't rub them dry with a paper towel. Instead, pat them dry. This locks in the moisture from the soap and makes your hands nice and smooth. This probably is nothing new; however, I was unware, so I thought I would share. Try it- it's lovely!

to market to market...

2009-09-15T01:08:00.029-04:00

I rose with the sun this past Saturday morning and ventured to the First Saturday Greenville Market downtown. My friend's mother sets up a chocolate stand at the market, so it was a good time for her to visit with her mom and an opportunity for me to experience the market for the first time. While I expected to find more stands, it was a pleasant morning nonetheless.

I enjoyed watching the support for local businesses, as people bought produce, fresh flowers, drank coffee, listened to music, etc. I walked away with a massive thing of peaches for $3 and a small bottle of honey (couldn't resist the cute elderly couple I bought it from).

inspired by words read.

2009-09-09T01:06:00.009-04:00

During the harvest time, I become encircled in a gust of leaves. An unexpected rush, I titled my head up to the sky, anticipating the discovery of its origin. However, I quickly reminded myself that I was not among trees, but rather along the path that paralled the grassy field. As my head came down to face the earth, the colorful mess grew tired of circling me and instead danced its way into the clearing. As if its purpose was to render me curious, I was compelled to follow. In an instant, my heart's desire met body, as my feet diverged from the path and into the open space. Free from restriction, I began to sense the vastness of my surroundings and eventually lost sight of the traveling leaves. I halted and kept silent. The air was then still-not even the faint whisper of the carrying wind. The tall grasses were surprsingly soft under my fingertips as I moved slowly over each individal blade. The sun shown down, but did not swelter; instead, its heat spread equally across the field, causing a soothing warmth. At peace, I laid myself down on the yielding earth, to once again gaze up at the sky. I desired to know the farmer who planted this space- who as an artist, blended all that was naturally beautiful and alluring to the soul, and created the masterpiece that was now my haven. Could he know the extent of his talent? Could he know its effect on the mind and soul? And could he know my presence? Was he the keeper of the leaves that bid my entrance in the first place?

I am left to rest, and believe it so.

j.j.

2009-09-03T10:08:00.003-04:00

"Towards dawn he awoke. O what sweet music! His soul was all dewy wet. Over his limbs in sleep pale cool waves of light had passed. He lay still, as if his soul lay amid cool waters, conscious of faint sweet music. His mind was waking slowly to a tremulous morning knowledge, a morning inspiration. A spirit filled him, pure as the purest water, sweet as dew, moving as music."

beautiful.

go away sleep.

2009-09-03T00:33:00.005-04:00

The night train whistle blows and I am back at my kitchen table.

HašLerky mug avec tea by my side. Irish tunes in my head.

I'm coming to anctipate these quiet early morning hours that have frequented me over the past week. Reading assignments have been in excess, and while these are nowhere near enticing, I like where my mind goes during this time (aside from rhetorical theory and discourse).

It pushes toward clarity, replenishes me with clarity, in fact--much like the early autumn wind that has replenished my lungs over the past few days.

The past month has unveiled a unique beauty found in quiet times and quiet spaces. The art of being still has never been easy for me. I've always prided myself on being an adventure-seeker, one who stands fearless against change and movement. But without the stillness I currently find myself in, so many aspects of my life might escape me. I mostly think of the people- the various communities and small circles I have drawn close to during this time. I also think of the opportunities I have had to expand my "artistic scope..." allotted time to read, paint, take photographs, etc. And most importantly, the chance to regroup spiritually.

Ironic though that in this stillness, there is still movement.

A lot actually.

Much is happening and forming before my eyes, despite the fact that everything seems to be in "fun size" form for the time being.

Then again, I have an incling that these "smaller creations," these smaller movements, will evently evolve into something bigger.

Until then, I attempt to sit quietly.

...at least I have HašLerky to keep me company.

Sound of Music.

2009-08-30T21:34:00.000-04:00

After seeing this, how could anyone resist Europe?

Chybíš mi.

2009-08-27T21:15:00.010-04:00

a year ago today, I was on my way...

on a jet plane of wonder that took me to a wonderous place.

-insert nostalgic phrase about time flying by, here-

fig sans newton.

2009-08-24T00:14:00.013-04:00

I love simple discoveries- the easy-to-pass over elements of my daily spaces.

This morning I was led to a large fig tree on the edge of the DCF courtyard- by a stranger no less (I use the term stranger to refer to the fact that I met him literally two seconds before he walked me to the tree, and I didn't know his name until the walk back).

I had two friends in Prague who constantly ate figs, and I was always weary to try one for myself. But when the stranger told me that he had just found our very own fig tree growing outside DCF, I was enticed to try one.

Ripe and delicious. I'm sad I stayed away for so long.

oh, and a fun fact taken from the caption of the picture on the left: the fig fruit is actually an inverted flower. weird.

(fig tree photo is not of the actual tree)

space case.

2009-08-23T01:51:00.006-04:00

Unsure of what I want to put in this space tonight, but nonetheless something moves me to fill it.

hmm. why do we feel the need to fill space?

Are we uncomfortable with the uncertainty that accompanies empty space?

By filling a space, we often hope to feel less lonely or less isolated, but how ironic that that is almost never the case, as you could be surrounded by loads of stuff and still feel uneasy.

Why is empty space in nature more welcoming than empty space in a person's home?

Why is empty space in nature looked at as beautiful, but empty space in a home suggests things like laziness, an inability to make memories, or poverty?

...the ponderings one has at 2am.

Irish Tales.

2009-08-17T00:09:00.002-04:00

"There were so many flagstones on the footpath of that street and so many streets in that city and so many cities in the world. Yet eternity had no end."

-james joyce-

2009-08-08T08:50:00.000-04:00

I’m tangled in paths and in cities

Tangled in the love I have for this earth

Tangled in the mess that is my fear

Ashamed of my inability to face your truth

But one thing is for sure

This song is simple

Contrite yet emotion filled

Because no matter my entanglement

You know how to calm and keep me still.

color variation

2009-08-04T22:45:00.004-04:00

we painted dcf over the past two days. red is out. "breezy" is in.

and, i think i might need another quilting spool or two? suggestions?

The Good News.

2009-08-03T18:36:00.002-04:00

"We are not taken up into conscious agreement with God's purpose, we are taken up into God's purpose without any consciousness at all. We have no conception of what God is aiming at, and as we go on it gets more and more vague. God's aim looks like missing the mark because we are too short-sighted to see what He is aiming at. At the beginning of the Christian life we have our own ideas as to what God's purpose is- 'I am meant to go here or there,' 'God has called me to do this special work;' and we go and do the thing, and still the big compelling of God remains. The work we do is of no account, it is so much sacffolding compared with the big compelling of God...He takes us all the time. There is more than we have got at as yet."

.Oswald Chambers.

2009-07-31T23:50:00.004-04:00

my mind only races.

over green horizons

past yellow skies.

settles rarely

like the moving earth

shifting and reshaping.

oh how i wish sometimes that it would stop

i cannot keep up

with rapid jolts and swift movements.

colors blur. colors blend.

misguided, i stand alone.

autumn park.

2009-07-24T12:32:00.004-04:00

my reluctance has led me far away
but i am not afraid to say that i need your grace

led away by a holy curiousity
i forgot you in the process
so i'm not afraid to say that i became selfish

and it has taken me so long
to put these words to music
but the anticipation has made the beauty
like the leaves in the fall

and though i don't know where to go from here
i will not walk in fear or pain
because there is everything to gain
in you
on a walk with you
in an autumn park with you.

Skies. And Grass.

2009-07-17T23:24:00.004-04:00

Bird Calls.

2009-07-17T01:43:00.008-04:00

"He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me."

This summer, I have heard many times the birds chirping outside my window. This does not occur during the day, but rather during the late night- as if they are trying to give off the impression of early morning.

When I think of early morning the first image that comes to my mind is a spacious field- a clearing in the woods. The sun pours its first rays onto the tips of the tall grasses. All earth is damp from the morning dew. Spider webs glisten in their wetness, insects venture in and out of flowers, the air is chilled, and those persistant birds are chirping away.

But why come out at night, birds? Why must I hear your awakening sounds in the dark night?

I'd like to think it is a sign that mercies new are just hours away. That though the night may darken the earth, it is the morning and it is the light that remain forever powerful. The darkness can never be fully dark, for there is always something to light up the night sky...or in the case of the birds, always something to remind us of the light that is eager to shine upon us.

They, or rather he, is calling me to that spacious place.

Now.

2009-07-15T19:23:00.008-04:00

I don't understand why a person would choose to see black and white when there is so much beautiful color in the world.

I don't understand why an artist would allow a canvas to stay blank for hours on end
when he or she could be creating something that suggests curiousity.

I don't understand why one would choose not to climb a tree for fear of falling
when that tree was clearly created to symbolize man's attempt to reach for something more.

And I don't understand why a person would choose not to play music because it is not in their nature to do so
for it is the music that is forever accompanying him on his journey through life.

Annapolis.

2009-07-13T21:46:00.008-04:00

2009-06-17T12:39:00.003-04:00

A new era has come.

It is no longer a city susceptible to suppression, so long as its inhabitants continue to fight. During my residency, I sometimes wondered whether or not they knew they were fighting. It’s easy to judge and say no when one thinks of the begrudging mobs of tram riders or downtrodden potraviny workers. But I have to refute this claim because my eyes are a living testimony to their battle. Yes, I was made witnessed to their fight- in all subtleties, all dramatics, and in the hidden treasures that leapt out to greet me around every finite corner of the city's foundations.

Exerpt from "For Now, an Untitled Story"

I think this still needs more detail...

2009-05-31T01:45:00.008-04:00

I met a busker once on the steps leading up to the Castle. Framed by a graffitied door, the long-haired, gray-bearded musician sat cross-legged with a guitar and a harmonica around his neck. My first reaction was to situate myself against the wall directly opposite him- an angle at which the sun shined direct light on his worn appearance. As I sat against the stone, the man glanced in my direction and smiled. No sooner, however, did he tilt his head downward to watch his fingers move eloquently across the six strings on his instrument. At first, his music seemed melancholy, but before I knew it I had fallen into a gentle stupor, as intrinsic melodies bounced off the enclosing walls and into the calm air above us. It was not sadness, but instead a man sharing his soul with the world- the story of a passion that led him on a much-anticipated and much-needed adventure. Everything about the moment became peaceful and reassuring; and as he let out a final, slow-moving harmonic note, I realized I had just been part of a most-intimate concert.

As he prepared for his next composition, I rose from my front-row seat to place a 10 czk piece in the hat by his side. Beginning to head down the steps, I became inclined to speak to the man and instead turned back around to face him.

“Thank you. That was beautiful playing.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m Kelly. It’s nice to meet you. I play some guitar myself…”

“It is nice to meet you Kelly. I am Ee-oo-lay. You must sit here and play then.”

Much taken aback by his invitation, I naturally hesitated. But as he stood, Ee-oo-lay handed me his guitar and innocently urged me to replace him on the step. Reminding myself that these were the kind of experiences I had been hoping for, I complied with his request and took the guitar from his hands. To my touch it felt smooth and well-kept as if it were the most treasured possession the man owned. Once situated, I looked up at the musician approvingly, and he once again produced a smile.

I began to strum the few chords I knew, and Ee-oo-lay soon blew in on his harmonica. For a brief moment, our stories became one, as we provided for each other what the other needed… in the form of melody and harmony. Studying his face as he played, I could see it warming with each note and lifting him to the place where he had always wanted to be.

Though never to be played again, our tune was forever scripted into my memory of a surprisingly captivating busker in Prague.

When the playing ceased, I thanked Ee-oo-lay one last time.

“I enjoyed playing with you.”

“Yes, me too. My English not so good,” Ee-oo-lay smiled.

“I think you have great English. Goodbye, it was nice meeting you.”

“Yes, thank you. Good bye.”

As I took my final look at Ee-oo-lay I realized that the weathering of years past was no match against his music- against the soul released by the music, and against the person who shared the music with the people around him. The music, and more importantly the busker, had overcome and would never go back.

Excerpt from "For Now, an Untitled Story"

Gift.

2009-05-29T08:40:00.002-04:00

Cobblestones.

2009-05-26T20:22:00.004-04:00

Where did Prague's cobblestones come from?

This morning I emailed my Art and Architecture teacher from last fall to find the answer.

Her response:

Dear Kelly,

it is basically the tradition way how to make roads, which somehow survived in Prague due to the effort to keep the historic center. If you think of it, to put small pieces of the stones on the muddy road is a logical and quite cheap way how to create more or less comfortable passage. This was practiced probably since the middle age. It is part of traditional craft and still practised because it has certain advenages over the "normal" pavements (it can be replaced easily, you don't need expensive machines to make it, it looks nice if you create some designs).
All the best, Pavlina Morganova

2009-05-25T23:16:00.000-04:00

Prague quickly became an innate part of my being. For a long while, every movement was a reaction to the city around me. It triggered thought and idea across a generously vast plane- just an endless stream of stimuli buying for my attention and for their presence on paper. It was much too difficult to choose those I would nurture through my writing, and those I would have to leave behind at the expense of discovery by the next passerby. And so, I did my best, as I had done with Prague’s people, to capture the essence of the city as I saw it- separate from all former and future recollections.

I started with the cobblestones.

During those first months, my feet did not take well to these awkward formations. I struggled across the uneven terrain, and the unfamiliarity of the surface caused me frustration.

But not moving was not an option. And so, I reacted.

I withdrew a stone one summer evening from its position on Kovaku. It accompanied me on the spiraled walk up to my apartment where once inside I positioned it on the railing of my balcony. Overlooking the southeastern side of the city, I studied the stone in respect to the cityscape I had created behind it. Its solidarity contrasted against the uneven, chaotic, and colorful mess that made up the backdrop. Before my eyes lay the iconic red and cream trams, passing by rows of baroque buildings; smoke from the Staropromen brewery billowing against a sea of red terracotta roofs; and a lone steeple, stretching in an attempt to match the height of the T.V. tower in the distance. From this perspective, the uneven mess was most beautiful- far more alluring than the bulky, cold, gray obstruction I had placed in front of it.

However, when I placed the stone back among its fellow stones, I realized that it too was part of the enticing unevenness that I had witnessed from my balcony. Separate it was useless, but as part of a cobblestone street, it kept alive the spirit of a city long-deserving of free expressionism. And in realizing this truth, I made my first observation of Prague.

The cobblestone bothered me no more.

Excerpt from "For Now, an Untitled Story"

2009-05-24T18:28:00.002-04:00

Five months into my stay, I had exhausted the museums and galleries. They were fine, brilliant in fact, but I soon desired inspiration from something no one before me had already witnessed. I took interest in studying that which was newer- the people around me. Sure, as a whole the Czechs are a people that have been around for centuries, but as I looked closer I realized that they were changing every day. That different people moved in and out of my vision at all given moments. Often, I only had but brief moments to witness or interact with their existence; and then they went as quickly as they came. No one could hang them in a gallery, or place them on display in an exhibit for others to replicate for years to come. In my mind, they were all mine, and it was up to me to enlighten the world with their stories.

-Excerpt from "For Now, an Untitled Story"

2009-05-23T18:49:00.002-04:00

some things just don't have as much meaning anymore now that I know that I am capable of being independent.

a drive on 123.

2009-05-19T00:18:00.003-04:00

two streaming headlights

on a two-lane road

provide a clear direction, but keep so much hidden.

the rest is ready to be discovered, ready to be seen.

...if only we can trust those two streaming lights.

trust in the journey, not the destination.

Never an end.

2009-05-08T00:12:00.008-04:00

The Fountainhead is finally finished.

Interesting how Ayn Rand seems to save the majority of her philosophy for the very end of the novel. She clearly draws readers into the novel through an easy-to-understand plot, through which we catch glimpses, and understand at basic levels, her philosophy. Yet, it is not until the last 150 pages (or so) that a reader truly comes face to face with what Rand wants her audience to understand. I think it is safe to say that this is intentional, as one can only truly grasp her philosphy once the plot and its characters are fully developed.

While I do not agree with the majority of Rand's philosophy, I believe there is still something to take from this novel.

-I can now say that I truly understand why Communism and Facism are considered true evils. In understanding this, I come to respect Capitalism more.

-And second, I believe that Rand's support for egotism versus altruism can suggest the common struggle that a person of faith has within their worldly existence (even though this is not, I know, her intention).

- the knowledge that one is to be selfless, but also the need to be selfish in some contexts in order to survive in this world.

Thus closes the semester I have spent with this novel.

Next venture- Thoreau.

Harper Lee

2009-05-03T09:40:00.004-04:00

I just met a black dog named Harper Lee.

She is named after the author of To Kill a Mockingbird.

Her owner was nine years old when he read the story.

In the beginning when Scout is describing her town, she mentions the heat, and a black dog that was panting heavily within it.

When he read that line at age nine, he knew that he would own a black dog named Harper one day.

Today, Harper Lee is a search and rescue dog. She has helped in missions throughout all of the great floods and hurricanes surrounding the past seven years.

She also knows Spanish and Sign Language.

Now I want one.

Excerpts.

2009-04-29T12:38:00.004-04:00

A most important excerpt from the Dalai Lama's statement "Instructions for Life in the New Millennium:"

Once a year go someplace you have never seen

I think I can do this.

2009-04-27T17:18:00.003-04:00

He will be different after the adventure than he was before the adventure.

You will be different after the adventure than you were before the adventure.

The world will look different after the adventure than it did before the adventure.

Peace.

2009-04-20T18:34:00.003-04:00

I know so little
of the word I yearn to practice.

yes, so little.

I yearn to understand.

perhaps because I yearn
is why I do not understand.

because yearning is the opposite
of the word.

stillness.

Pioneer Spirit.

2009-04-16T02:06:00.008-04:00

American Gothic meet high-rise America. High-rise, executive America. High-rise, executive, rich America (well, I guess "rich" is up for current debate). Still the same pioneer spirit? Or has that spirit been altered? Are we still after the same essentials? Or have more "essentials" been added to the list? And is that American, pioneer spirit still iconic? Still recognizable to the world?

true aesthetics.

2009-04-13T11:58:00.003-04:00

"Life before aesthetics."
Something to grow nostalgic of?

I'd like to think so.
Except that I'm still in that life.

I haven't crossed over yet.
I'm still simple.
Still cheap.
I find aesthetics in things other than the world tells me I should.
Nature. A road trip. Conversing with a stranger. A photograph.

Being unsure of where my life is going.

Yes. I'm quite content.
...in "life before aesthetics."

Home Again.

2009-03-23T11:49:00.007-04:00

A friend recently sent me this quote:

"develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. forget yourself. it isn't the oceans which cut us off from the world - it's the American way of looking at things."
-henry miller

This embodies so much of what I came to believe last semester, as well as the beautiful opportunity I had this past week to travel within America (make note: Miller is referring to an American perspective in his quote, not America itself)

These being my first travels since returning home, it was natural that I was initially missing the people and places I experienced in Europe. However I was reminded of my revelation back in November about how much I wanted to return to the U.S. and begin to discover its own riches (since I have been "hating" on America for some time now). As this revelation resurfaced, I found myself allowing each city to awaken my soul to its liking. Upon our return home, I can say that I truly felt each city.

In an attempt to experience each city in the way that it is meant to be experienced, I have returned with (finally) a greater appreciation for my home country. It began to sink in in St. Louis, where we were once again reminded of Lewis and Clark's expedition into America's west. The bravery and courage these men and their party sustained in one of history's most daring expeditions. It is this America that I am proud of.

But it really hit me driving through the cornfields in Illinois. Vast fields, farms spread miles apart- beautiful, empty, but thriving, space. These farms are the foundation of our country's development. Yet we so often drive past them without a thought about their importance. We see their land as "wasted space"- a place were a shopping area or a suburban neighborhood would be better suited. Yet it is this space that sustains us every day.

And then Chicago, where I was once again faced with the kindness that still exists in our country, as we experienced, surprisingly, the kindness of so many strangers. All stereotyped as "city people," I think the term "city folk" is more appropriate, as they acted more like small town neighbors- willing to help and desiring to converse.

So to bring these words back around to the Miller's quote...

an encounter with the world, America included, can only be truthful if within the encounter we "forget ourselves," and allow a place to develop itself within us. For in doing so, we become the keepers and sharers of all this world has to offer.

oh look, Van Gogh.

Road trip.

2009-03-15T06:49:00.002-04:00

It's been almost three months since I've had an adventure.

I've realized how much I've missed these feelings of anticipation. Feelings of uncertainty and unexpectedness. Excitement.

When I'm traveling, I'm in my element. So I've realized. I feel comfortable in the uncomfortable. Awake in the tiredness. Calm in the craziness.

I'm ready, once again, for the open road.

name change, but not just for namesake.

2009-03-11T15:04:00.012-04:00

A street sign is meant to be practical. It is meant to give a person direction. It represents a specific location. In reading it, it becomes a gateway to all that that specific street contains- undiscovered thrift stores. coffee shops. bookstores filled with stories. homes filled with people who have stories...

sometimes we know all that lies beyond this gateway. but sometimes we do not. sometimes it is undiscovered territory waiting to be explored.

Van-Gogh-Straße is a street in Dresden, Germany. I took a picture of its street sign because it was unique. It maintained the practicality that a street sign is meant to have- the naming of a location, yet it maintained this practicality in an artistic form- through the medium of paint and free-handed lettering.

Writing, in many cases, is meant to be practical. It is meant to direct and it is meant to give name to things in our world. However, it is also meant to be creative. It is often meant to be free and original. It is meant to evoke some sort of feeling within each person it encounters, no matter what that feeling may be. And it is meant to serve as a gateway to what is unknown.

In my opinion, life functions the same way. It has to be practical, but it also has to evoke creativity. It needs to have some sort of soul, some sort of artistic beauty that encourages discovery of all that is beyond the surface, or entry point.

Hence, Van-Gogh-Straße is born- in an attempt to emulate the co-existing way that writing, and more importantly life, is meant to function. Enjoy.

S.

2009-03-09T11:32:00.003-04:00

i'm being told to be satisfied.
be satisfied kelly, be satisfied.
i'm being told that i'm being provided a sacred space.

a place to selah

what a sweet word, selah.

but it's hard sometimes to be satisfied.
you want to push. you want to argue and question. you want to be in control.
but sometimes you can't.
thinking, trying, pulling away...sometimes it makes things worse.
sometimes there is freedom in the struggle of staying put.
i'm not sure how yet. but i'm being told to sit still.

be satisfied.

be satisfied.

be satisfied.

Sixth.

2009-02-26T14:28:00.005-05:00

I've realized over the past month that I am growing to love the sixth floor of the library just as much as I love the 5th. Prior to this semester, I never desired to claim the sixth floor as my territory. It was only that place I had to go to, if all the chairs downstairs were taken. Still, I've come to love the quiet, studious vibe it tends to give off- not as misfit-ish as the fifth floor.

Today the sixth floor has given me an assurance worthy enough to mention. A few minutes ago a boy sitting at the table in front of me got up to go somewhere and asked me to watch over his stuff until he returned. I smiled and said yes as I always do. I then realized that this occurrence has happened a lot over the past several weeks- strangers asking me to watch over their valuables. Now, many people would look at this and say, "Well that's easy, it just goes to show you that people don't trust one another anymore." However, I'd like to look at it differently. I'd like to look at these occurrences as a reassurance that our society still can trust one another.

How did that boy not now that once he left I wasn't going to grab his MacBook Pro and jet set it out of there? By asking me, a total stranger, to watch his belongings, is basically saying that he, as a person, is representative of the truth that we there is still some trust that exists within our human society. I think in our current world, it is a challenge to see it this way- amoung the cheaters, liers, and slanderers flooding our government systems, media, and workplaces. And perhaps this is just my ideology talking, but I'd like to think of this as a reassurance that as a human race, we haven't reach the total incapability of being trusted. yet.

questions.

2009-02-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

Questions. i want answers. i need answers. i seek answers.
Questions. flowing. pouring. seeping out of the mind and onto my tongue.
Questions. challenging. maybe doubting. maybe not.
Questions. perhaps stating what I already know to be true.
Questions. it just took asking to be reassured. i think.
Questions.

sometimes.

2009-02-17T23:14:00.005-05:00

sometimes I sit on my bed at three in the morning and write the words down in my head
sometimes they have meaning and sometimes they do not
but for the time being, they're all i've got
so i'll write and write and write.
and maybe these words will take me far
but if they don't
that's okay
i'll still speak what i want to say
and i know someday i'll be heard

Sustaining.

2009-01-17T19:20:00.004-05:00

It is so rare a chance to humble one's self in a situation different to what he or she is used to, for most of our life will be spent living in a comfort zone.

I can now put faces to convictions, values, and beliefs that I knew rested on the horizon, but to which I had never received such maximum exposure. I have caught but brief glimpses into the lives of passerby, but such is enough to respect their existence in our vast world.

"I want to seek the important things without forgetting to let go of the unimportant...so many things in my life are superfluous, and yet they clout my vision and strength." - a friend.

S-Squared.

2009-01-14T13:54:00.003-05:00

...He came, he came to my bedroom
but I was asleep.
And he woke me up again to say:

Halle Halle Hallelujah
Holy Holy is the sound.

And I hope, I hope you are tired out.
And I know, I know there is joy endowed.
But I was asleep,
And he woke me up again,
And he woke me up again to say...

Hold on, hold on to your old ways
Or put off, put off every old face.
And I know, I know you are changed out.
And I hope, I hope you're arranged out.
But I'm still asleep
And you woke me up again.
And I'm still asleep
But you woke me up to leave.

2008-12-29T12:46:00.005-05:00

wall art @ Mother-In-Law's

History. Unexpectedness. Tradition. Laughter. Shocking. Uniquely Beautiful. Crazy. Colorful. Confusing. Preserved.

...i'm currently sceaming for the next adventure. who wants to join?

Timely Realization.

2008-12-09T17:40:00.004-05:00

-"Things take on meaning when the story ends."
-"That's because history starts to come in..."

from "Eloge de l'amour" (2001, Jean-Luc Godard)

Christmas in Old Town.

2008-12-02T12:47:00.004-05:00

Last Saturday was the traditional lighting of the Old Town Square Christmas Tree. This year's tree is a 22-meter, 100 year old spruce. A brief presentation by Pavel Bem, Prague's mayor, officially opened the Prague Christmas Markets. Apparently they are some of the best in Europe? Old Town Square was packed. However, I think this is the first time ever where there were less people gathered around the Astronomical Clock then gathered in the actually square itself. I felt like I was seeing the eighth wonder of the world.

Sorry I started filming the first video a little too early. The tree does light up halfway through, I promise.

My oh My. Apple Pie.

2008-11-30T08:59:00.015-05:00

Prague Thanksgiving- Success.

One of my favorite home videos is our first Thanksgiving in Minnesota.

We had just recently moved into our new house and it was the first time my parents had ever been away from their families for the holiday. This being the case, this was the first Thanksgiving meal my mother had ever cooked on her own. My dad pans the camera out the window to reveal new fallen snow (or maybe old fallen- it was always snowing there). The house is quiet except for the noises of my mom in the kitchen. My dad then zooms in on the time on the microwave clock- very late at night. He continues to scan the house- first my mom at the stove, laughing, and then onto 2 year old me, passed out on the couch. He makes note that Meghan is up in her crib. The 15-minute video is basically my parents laughing at the fact that they have yet to eat their Thanksgiving meal and that I tried hard to stay awake for it but couldn't. My dad, being supportive, encourages my mom's cooking skills in between the laughter. She is 31 at the time.

At 20, eleven years younger than my mom at the time of her first Thanksgiving away from home, I found myself in a just as humorous and enjoyable experience. My little cooking skills were forced full speed ahead, as I somehow managed to cook, from scratch, two apple pies, a turkey, mashed potatos, and stuffing (our guests/other roommates further contributed to the "eclectic" meal). We literally began cooking 24 hours ahead of time, because our small Prague kitchen and lack of dishware would not have made for a smooth Turkey Day preparation if done the day of. This 24-hour prep period quickly became one of my most memorable abroad experiences, as it provided a time of heavy laughter, the singing to various versions of "O Holy Night," added cooking experience, and oh-so-cheesy roommate bonding.

Though not quite nearing midnight, the 25 of us did sit down to eat later than expected- about 8pm. I don't think my smile left my face the entire evening, as I couldn't help but feel proud of what we had accomplished. I love hosting people in my home and watching everyone enjoying themselves made it that much greater. It is so easy to forget the true meaning behind holidays sometimes- buried beneath the commercialism that has built upon and around them. But in our small Prague apartment that night, thousands of miles away from the familiarity of home, and in the company of people who were not-long-ago complete strangers, I was once again reminded of why we give thanks. I was all the more appreciative for what is waiting for me when I return home in a few weeks, and all the more appreciative of what God has allowed me to experience while abroad.

Bird Search.

2008-11-27T08:17:00.007-05:00

At 8:30 this morning, my nieghbor Cassie and I began our search for a turkey. For the past week, we have been planning a big Thanksgiving meal between three of the CEA apartments- hosted by us. By now we've gotten used to hard supermarket searches- shocking, I know, that I haven't managed to learn fluent Czech yet. However we knew that turkey was going to be our toughest quest- not so existent in Czech lands. The majority of turkeys that were rumored to be in the city were those bought by expat restaurants to host Thanksgiving meals.

Regardless, we wanted to try our luck. We first tried Tesco, the Super Wal-Mart of Europe, but all they had was duck and chicken. Refusing to settle for such mediocre holiday birds, we kept on. We were going to try the international specialty food store, but before we got there we stumbled upon a Butcher Shop. And what do you know? Hanging in the window, neck still attatched and all, was a giant raw turkey. Before going inside, an old Czech man came outside, smiled, and said something in Czech to us. The word "anglicky?" rang from our mouths, which followed by a laugh and a "get out of here" wave from the old man. He walked away.

We went inside, contemplating how we were going to order this bird in a small shop where clearly no one spoke English. We went up to the first register and pointed over to the dangling bird in the window. The lady smiled and motioned for us to go around the corner to the next counter. We went around, but because we were around the corner we could not motion to the turkey in a way that the woman could see. All of a sudden, the woman from the first counter came over and began translating for us. In the process, she tried to teach us some of the words she was using- unfortunately none of which I can remember now. She motioned for us to look at the scale and see if they had measured out the correct amount. The shop did not have a whole bird available- just cut sections, so Cassie and I decided on two large pieces. We later determined we ordered about 7lbs. The woman literally took the pieces off the scale, and without wrapping them up threw them into a plastic bag. We waited to laugh at this until we were outside on the street. The two woman smiled at us and said goodbye.

Cassie and I left elated. We had never encountered such nice service in Prague. The fact that the one woman left her own work to come and translate for us is an incredibly uncommon occurance, one which we have had yet to occur until today. And perfect timing- on the day we Americans give thanks. So to the employees of the anonymous butcher shop- thank you for your help and thank you for your bird.

Thanksgiving Blog Entries to be continued...

Revolution.

2008-11-17T13:27:00.002-05:00

Happy Revolution Day!

Today marks the 19th anniversary of the Velvet Revolution in the Czech Republic. The Czech Republic, as well as other countries in Eastern Europe, recognize this day as their freedom from communism. Up until 1989, communism ruled in the Czech Republic since 1968.

Just a fun fact for today.

Beauty in the End.

2008-11-12T07:25:00.003-05:00

Soon before I left for Prague, a friend bluntly told me, "Go live your life." A simple phrase that I've taken to heart with each day I am abroad. With each new experience and with each new lesson learned, this phrase comes to mind. So thanks friend, for your lasting words.

With five weeks left in the semester, I think it's only natural that home comes to mind more often. It's a place and an idea that is becoming fresher in my mind. It's a place that I am becoming more anxious to be back in. The other night, I came to the conclusion that I am content with my abroad experience- that I could hop on a plane home the next day and be okay. I didn't say this out of homesickness or unhappiness. Like I said, I think it's only natural that feelings like these would start to arise, as I begin to see a definite end to my time in Europe.

But when these thoughts surfaced, I was quick to tell myself that I didn't want such ideas to reflect in the time I do have left. There are so many new and exciting things in store and they deserve equal energy as did everything that has happened in the past two months.

I was encouraged by these words via email this morning, and they are words I would like to hold close to my heart, as I have with "Go live your life."

"Hey guess what? You woke up this morning and you're in Europe. You only have five weeks left though, so take advantage of today...You'll have plenty of time to enjoy Clemson and Maryland, but the chances of you returning to your current situation are slim. So enjoy it...And don't forget to spend time with the one who allows you to experience this, and who has blessed you so much. You're there for a reason."

I should not, and will not, ever be "content" with my abroad experience until I board that plane back home. That day, is not today, so I keep going and keep enjoying.

Lost...and not found.

2008-11-09T10:47:00.007-05:00

I'd like to think I've always been an organized, responsible human being. However, the past two months in Prague are causing me to doubt this personal analysis.

The following is a list of the things I have managed to lose while overseas:

1. Vodaphone- on a Prague Art&Architecture walk; cost of a new phone? 1100 czk.
2. My beautiful amber ring from Chesky Krumlov (aka- the ring my granddaughter was one day going to wear)- Berlin hostel;
3. My mittens- at Claire's cousin Oliver's house in Ireland. I guess I can always get these back?
4. Prague Moleskin- didn't actually lose this, but for a good 10 minutes I thought I did.
5. Favorite Clemson long-sleeve tshirt- Galway hostel; great, now I have to go donate more blood to get another one! just kidding.
6. Backing to my diamond earring- walking out of a restaurant.
7. Bobby pins- I can to Prague with a lot; now I have four?
8. Blow dryer- I didn't lose this, but I fried it the other day. Good move Kelly.
9. Eyeliner pencil- I know right? The worst one of all!

I'm sure I could add more, but now I've annoyed myself thinking about these mishaps.

In Memory.

2008-10-16T04:48:00.012-04:00

I will always remember the falling leaves. They flew and fell in groups, large groups, proving difficult to single out one from its comrades. Still, it was obvious that these leaves, blown together, had originated from all over the area- from different trees, different colors. They were blown so effortlessly off the trees by the persisting wind, so swift and sudden- as if they didn't even know they had been plucked and carried away...

People surrounded me, but a silence permeated the air. No original inhabitants in existence. It smelled of sweet autumn, but not of history. The skies were some of the bluest I've witnessed since I've been in Europe- an abrupt contradiction to my expectations. And the cobbled ground was hard on my feet, though nothing as I imagine it was in its early years.

Arbeit Macht Frei. Work Makes You Free. Or so they were told. Or so they believed- some all the way up until their final walk. I myself walked under these words, but no tears came. Just a heaviness.

We walk the halls of barracks. We walk the basement cells. I stand in the center of the Execution Courtyard. I scan the grounds from an old observation tower. I see the vastness of my confined surroundings. I walk through a still standing crematorium; I stand in the same spot that so many perished before me. But I walk out alive. I step back out into the sun, the blue sky blanketing me once again, and I am free.

Tears come only now as I write these words. They did not exist on the day I visited Auschwitz-Birkenau. All that existed that day was that heaviness. An indescribable realization that I could not possibly grasp the emotion and feelings of those who passed beneath those deceiving words over 60 years before me. I will never know the weight of their pain- it is unfathomable to any human who did not experience first-hand- though I naively and innocently came believing I somehow could. An important wake up call for all of us that day.

The sights. The sounds. The smells. The people- all has changed. The closest thing to any full understanding of what took place on those grounds seems to exist only in the falling leaves. At least in my mind, they told the story best that day.

photo credit: William Alquin Granberry

-Charging- Power up.

2008-09-26T23:25:00.005-04:00

I don't think I prepared myself well enough for the day-to-day change in homesickness level. Some days, I'm so ecstatic to be here, amped on life, yadda yadda yadda. And other days, I want nothing more than to be back in Clemson, back in familiarity. The shift in homesickness level can be sudden, as it has been over the past couple of days. But, just as quick as it came, today is was lifted once again.

I had every intention of visiting the *free* Czech Museum of Fine Art this afternoon. But surprise surprise, I found myself lost. And where is that oh so special place that one somehow always manages to end up at when they are lost? That's right. Old Town Square. It never fails. Normally I am frustrated and annoyed by this pattern, but today the square provided me with the revival I needed. My awakening? The Salvador Dali exhibition. It's one that I've wanted to stumble into since I arrived here (though, mind you, I knew little about Dali other than his surrealist melting clocks), and today I finally decided to drop the 70 czk to go in. It was well-worth the koruna (moulah), because I found myself challenged by his work. In order to obtain any message, you have to expand your mind and think. As with all art, each person that looks at a work can grasp a completely different meaning. It's as if Dali was allowing me into the creative process. As homesickness set in the past couple of days, so has discouragement about why I chose to come to an unfamiliar place, and not only that, but on my own. But like I said, Dali's work brought me relief today. It is reminding me that I am looking at this experience too concretely. I'm fixated with the things that are making my days here so standard. I need to look deeper. There is so much more to this city than I'm seeing on the surface (school, Bohemia Bagel, unhappy tram riders, Tesco...). I need to search for that alternative essence- I need to feel Prague in ways I haven't already done. I need to discover the obtuse and trust it. I have the opportunity of a lifetime to make Prague my own. So it's time I set the ordinary aside, and start repainting this picture.

Today was arguably the most beautiful day I've experienced in Prague yet. While we had many a nice day when I first arrived, those days brought along heat. After leaving the exhibit, feeling newly awakened, I walked down to overlook the Vltava River. I sat down and sketched the scene a bit (mind you, I'm not artist, but I tried). I then proceeded to walk the couple of miles home, paying close attention to details I seem to pass over on a day-to-day basis. I watched people more closely, I wandered up alleyways, I read posters (well, sort of. They were in Czech). I payed attention to decorative details on buildings and restaurants. I stumbled into a bookstore...

And finally, my day has come to an end, at almost 6 in the morning, having just come home from watching the Presidential Debate. A new favorite hangout, The Globe, broadcasted the debate from a movie screen beginning at 3 this morning. It was a unique atmosphere, probably the most non-CEA Americans I've been around since my arrival. The majority of the room were clearly Obama supporters, though a few drunk Republicans managed to voice their stance. Coffee was served, hence why I'm wide awake and blogging at this atrocious hour, as was popcorn (?). Allie and I took the metro home at 5, where it was reiterated that Pragians (my word) are crazy and don't ever sleep. At 5, the train was comfortably filled with people, some of which had shopping bags. Shopping bags!? Where do you shop in the early a.m.!? Oh well, you gotta love it.

Endnote: to anyone reading this that has sent me a message, whether via email, skype, or facebook, in the past few days, thank you so much. It meant a lot to hear from each of you and helped me feel better. You're loved so much, so much!

Drugs.

2008-09-25T11:04:00.008-04:00

Do you think it's strange how the majority of us take medicine without taking the time to read their descriptions? We pop an advil, take a zpack...comfortable that what we are taking is going to cure us. We trust that it will heal and not bring about more problems.

I went to the UniCare Medical Center today in Prague to be told that I have bronchitis. I was given five different types of medicine, all for different aspects of the illness. When I opened up the description pages, what do you know, they were all written in Czech. I know I don't have anything to be worried about...CEA has been using this medical facility for years. Still, there is an uneasiness about the unfamiliarity that I have with these brands, and what they contain, though I'm certain I could find their comparison in the United States.

For the first time, I'm actually wanting to take the time out to read the descriptions on these things. Too bad, for the first time, I don't have the opportunity to do so.

I know these are all weird thoughts to post via-blog, but sitting looking at all my meds spread out on the table, I couldn't help myself.

Expectancy Violations.

2008-09-23T16:15:00.010-04:00

Negative Expectancy Violation- Prague Tram.

Me. Dressed in autumnal colors. Surrounded by Czech people- all in black. The #20 pulls up at Malostranské náměstí. Standard. I begin to get on, only to be beaten by the black sea. The warning buzzer wails. I cram myself on at the last second. My whole self is completely smashed up against the doors. All around me, Czech people speaking Czech. I don't understand. I see my reflection in building windows passed by. I can't help but laugh at myself. So stiff. So vibrantly awkward. I am becoming more constricted, as the tram brakes suddenly. I look above my head. My eyes meet the metal bar. I free an arm and cling to it for life. My one relief. Finally, Andel. A few "pardons" and I'm once again in open space. I run the four blocks and two hills home. Freedom.

Positive Expectancy Violation- Dresden, Germany.

I knew I would like Dresden, but I didn't realize how much so. Fairly small town. Not much too it. Still, it had an aire. Baroque architecture meets communist remains. Warm and receptive people. Smiling. Laughter. Bikes. Parents loving their children. Unhurried/unrushed. Patience. A good cup of coffee. Eager art, eager to unleash itself. Unafraid to share its past. Unafraid to look to the future. Content.

Slavia v. Sparta

2008-09-17T07:41:00.006-04:00

Two nights ago CEA got us tickets to a Slavia v. Sparta hockey game. Wouldn't you know that hockey is one of the Czech Republic's most popular sports? They really spoiled us with front row seats. I've only been to a few hockey games, none of which were professional, in my life, so this was a fun experience.

The majority of us cheered for Sparta, though Slavia was the home team. We had heard from Marty, one of our CEA Directors, that Sparta was the better team. However, they unfortunately lost to Slavia 2-1.

This by far has been my favorite element to see the Czech people in. There was drunken commraderie gallore, family togetherness, friendship bonding time- it was great. It was as though everyone's problems were left at the door, and everyone in the areana was there to have a good time.

Two things I particularly noticed during my time at the game. The first being the lack of on-ice fighting. At home, I feel like it's a rare occurance not to see two players go at it at some point during the game. However, I saw not one glove come off, no helmets on the ground, and certainly no punches thrown. If ever an altercation, a brief yelling session insued, but then it was game on.

The other thing I noticed was the dedication of each team's fans to their team. No matter whether a team was messing up left and right or making clean passes down the ice, their respective fans were behind them through it all, cheering them on. And even though Sparta lost in the end, you could still hear Sparta cheers down in the metro tunnels as the train pulled away. Talk about true fans.

So, I'll conclude with brief footage of the atmosphere:

Easy on a Sunday Morn'.

2008-09-15T11:27:00.008-04:00

So, I meant to write this entry at some point yesterday, but it didn't happen. So, pretend it's yesterday. This is an exerpt from my real journal, dated 14.9.08 (yesterday):

I've always been in love with fall Sundays, but Prague Sundays are topping them all. We had a rapid temperature drop over the past two days- literally from 75 to 50-something degrees. The air has been pleasantly brisk- slightly cheek stinging if you will. This morning I wrapped my neck in a scarf and met some friends at Bohemia Bagel. We sat for almost three hours, drinking bottomless coffee and listening to great oldies music as we kept conversation flowing. We later walked out into the cold, still air. Claire and I lost Kelly and Kiernan among the tourist flood on the Charles Bridge, but we continued to walk anyway, passing musicians, artists, and vendors. I fell in love, again, with the city's beauty. I love how the buildings here all vary in color, but not in a cutesy way like the ones in Charleston, SC. Each building here seems to bring something unique to the panorama- each has a different personality, a different story to tell.

We walked down to this island park to sit and read for awhile, but it got too cold. We decided to walk the two miles back home instead of taking the tram. It was a rare moment of total relaxation and contentment- I felt like I was the city and the city was truly mine. A man passed us on a penny-farthing bicycle. I gave him a thumbs-up and his face smushed up as he gave me a closed-mouth smile.

I have now returned to my apartment, where I have made myself some green tea and cozied up in one of our big armchairs. Everything peaceful about today I am counting as a blessing.

Later in the evening, after this entry was written, one of my roommates and I walked down to Tesco to get our groceries for the week. If I am to be honest, Tesco is the one place in Prague where I have sadly experienced truly unfriendly Czechs. Everytime we've gone in there, the cashiers have rolled their eyes at our lack of Czech, forcefully shoved our groceries aside (in the Czech Republic you bag your own groceries), and have gotten very angry when you don't have enough change to allow them to just give you bills back. It's frustrating.

Anyway, the great moment. Last night's cashier was actually pleasant! Now, when I say pleasant, that is not to say that she was actually nice, but that she gave us a small smile and even bagged some of my groceries for me. When I explained that I didn't have enough change for her to just give me bills back, she didn't seem offended at all. I said thank you and goodnight and we were on our way- completely taken aback. Allie and I were so excited that we literally talked about it all the way home.

Apparently one of the reasons that the Czech people don't typically smile while interacting with strangers is that they lack a certain self-confidence. They can't even imagine why a perfect stranger would want to smile at them. Interesting, that in the United States we sometimes are overly smiley and overly nice to strangers- sometime so much that it can come across as fake.